When “I’m Fine” Isn’t the Whole Story: Suicide Prevention
Written by: Chanel Durham, LPC
September is Suicide Prevention Month, and I think we need to be willing to have a more uncomfortable conversation about suicide. We often talk about suicide prevention in very general terms. We tell people to check on their loved ones, remind them that they are loved, and encourage them to reach out for help. Those messages are important, but they don't always reflect the reality of what suicidal thoughts can actually look and feel like.
Suicidal ideation does not always look like someone actively planning to end their life. Sometimes it sounds like, “I wish I could disappear.” Sometimes it is thinking, “I don't necessarily want to die, but I don't want to keep living like this.” Sometimes it is wondering what would happen if you simply did not wake up tomorrow. Sometimes it is imagining your life without you in it and feeling a sense of relief. And sometimes, the thoughts are fleeting. Other times, they become something you think about regularly and quietly carry with you while continuing to live your everyday life.
That is part of what makes suicide so difficult to talk about. We have an idea of what someone who is suicidal is supposed to look like. We imagine someone who is visibly struggling, isolated, crying, or completely unable to function. But people can experience suicidal ideation while still going to work, taking care of their children, maintaining relationships, laughing with their friends, and appearing completely “fine.” Someone can be functioning and still be suffering. Sometimes the people around us don't recognize how much someone is carrying because that person has become very good at carrying it.
There is also so much shame around having these thoughts. People may be afraid to say what is actually happening because they don't want to scare anyone, be judged, be treated differently, or feel like a burden. They may worry that admitting they are thinking about suicide will cause everyone to panic. So instead, they say they're tired. They say they're stressed. They say they just need some space. They change the subject. They keep going.
This is why we have to become more comfortable asking uncomfortable questions. Sometimes “Are you okay?” isn't enough. We may have to ask, “Have you been thinking about suicide?” or “Have you been thinking about hurting yourself?” And if someone says yes, we have to resist the urge to immediately make the conversation about convincing them that their life is worth living. We can listen first. We can try to understand what has brought them to that point. We can take their thoughts seriously without making them feel ashamed for having them.
And if you are someone who has experienced suicidal thoughts, I want you to know that you do not have to wait until you have a plan or are in immediate danger before you deserve support. You don't have to prove that your pain is severe enough. You can tell someone that you've been thinking about death more than usual. You can admit that part of you doesn't want to be here anymore. You can say that you're scared by your own thoughts. You can be unsure about what you want and still ask for help.
Having suicidal thoughts does not always mean that someone wants their life to end. Sometimes it means they desperately want their pain, circumstances, loneliness, trauma, exhaustion, or hopelessness to end. That distinction matters, but suicidal thoughts should still be taken seriously. There is room to acknowledge the pain underneath the thought while also making sure the person is safe.
Suicide prevention isn't always a comfortable conversation. Sometimes it is awkward. Sometimes we are afraid we will say the wrong thing. Sometimes we don't know what to do with someone's honesty. But avoiding the conversation doesn't make suicide less real. It just means we may be missing opportunities to connect with people who are struggling in silence.
So this month, I don't just want us to tell people to “check on your strong friends.” I want us to actually check in. I want us to be willing to sit in the discomfort of asking the question and hearing an honest answer. I want us to create relationships where people don't feel like they have to wait until they're falling apart before they can say, “I'm not okay.”
Sometimes prevention begins with a conversation. And sometimes that conversation is uncomfortable, but necessary.
If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts or is in crisis, call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline in the United States. If someone is in immediate danger or has already taken steps to harm themselves, call 911 or go to the nearest emergency department.
~Chanel