Taking Off Your Old Coat
Written by: Morgan McDaniel, LPC
Have you ever felt guilty about walking away from something that is no longer good for you? It is the kind of guilt that settles in your stomach when you know leaving is the right choice, yet you cannot help a tinge of sadness because of it. Sometimes that thing is a friend, a job, or even a version of yourself.
What does it mean to leave yourself behind? It can mean releasing the old you, old habits, old ideas, or a version of yourself that is no longer sustainable, or even a part of you that has become a hindrance. So why does this feel so bittersweet? Why is it so difficult to cut out a person, place, routine, or version of yourself?
The decision probably did not come lightly, but the release of the weight can be freeing. The reason we hesitate is simple: even though that person, place, or version of yourself cannot come with you into the future, it once served you in the past. A friendship provided comfort in times of need. Alcohol may have given you “liquid courage” to open up and let loose. An overly arrogant, cold personality may have protected you from getting hurt. These things served a purpose then. They may not serve you now, and that is okay. Forgiving yourself is the first step toward freedom. Below are a few reminders to make the process easier.
A Lifestyle You Can’t Sustain
Whatever led you to let those things go, you felt deep down that this way of life was not conducive to where you want to be. Whether it was a friend, a habit, or a place taking up space in your life, it was not something you could maintain. Perhaps it was a friend with whom you could only gossip, or perhaps it was you complaining to others but never solving your own problems. Either way, that way of life did not elevate you. Removing it was the solution that broke the cycle.
Not Everyone and Everything Will Enter Your New Season
As cliché as it sounds, sometimes we lose things because they are no longer the right fit. We may or may not have friendships that stand the test of time. Jobs come and go, just as people and seasons change. A scarcity mindset may have served you when resources were scarce, but in a new space, sharing, pouring into others, and giving may be healthier.
Even the old coat that once provided warmth, protection, and shelter from the rain has a shelf life. It cannot be brought into the summer months, and eventually it becomes old and tattered. Embrace that truth and invest in new things and in old/new people who are willing to invest into you.
Holding on to a relationship that does not feel reciprocal goes against the natural ebb and flow of what a relationship is meant to be. The people willing to weather the seasons with you are your people. Those who meet you where you are while elevating you to new heights are rare gems. Leave people with their old ways. Leaving behind those who pull you back into your old ways may be necessary as they may not deserve a place in the paradise you plan to create.
Forgive Yourself for the Feelings That Come with Letting Go
Normalize the guilt and sadness that arise when you release something whether it is against your will or something you chose to remove from your life. Whether you are at fault or not, things happen and life changes. Yes, this new chapter can be scary. Yes, it could be rocky. But there is a new chapter to be written and rereading old chapters over and over does not add new words to the page. Adjustment takes time (even Rome wasn’t built in a day) and expecting new adventures to feel like familiar ones is unrealistic.
Give yourself grace. Allow yourself to feel nostalgia, and then press forward. Send a letter. Have that final conversation for closure and clarity. Delete their number(!), the pictures(!!), or even the text thread (!!!). Express your new boundaries. Curate the new lifestyle and the person you want to become.
Above all else, trust that you made the right decision. Build confidence by setting parameters for how you want your life to look. Build confidence in your ability to provide what you need to create the things you want to see. By setting boundaries, you show others how you want to be treated. It is not selfishness. It is self-preservation.
Forgive yourself and allow yourself to experience the world in front of you, not the one behind you. If you have been struggling with baggage, the mental weight of nostalgia, or simply with letting go, please reach out to schedule a consultation. Therapy can help you realize your potential and get you back on track toward healing and self-realization.
~ Morgan