The Body We’re Supposed to Want Keeps Changing

Written by: Staff Therapist Chanel Durham, LPC

There was a time when the body we were supposed to want was very thin. Then thin wasn't quite enough. Suddenly, we were supposed to be thin and curvy at the same time: tiny waist, flat stomach, full breasts and a round, lifted butt. The hourglass figure became the ideal, and procedures such as the Brazilian Butt Lift became more and more visible as people pursued a very specific version of the female body. Now the conversation seems to be shifting again.

GLP-1 meds have changed the way we talk about weight, and thinner bodies are once again becoming highly desirable in popular culture, but we must keep our butt. The body that was celebrated a few years ago can suddenly feel outdated. The curves that people worked hard to create may no longer be the curves being celebrated.

And somewhere in the middle of all of these cultural shifts are people trying to figure out how they feel about their own bodies. As a therapist, I find this fascinating, not because I think there is one correct body type, but because of what these constantly changing ideals can do to our relationship with ourselves. We are living in a culture that has become remarkably skilled at convincing us that our bodies constantly need improvements. The details change, but the underlying message remains surprisingly consistent: you could look better than you do right now.

Bodies Became Trends

If we were talking about clothing, the constant changing of trends would be relatively harmless. One year, skinny jeans are IT. A few years later, everyone is wearing wide leg pants. Eventually, skinny jeans come back around. Our bodies are different. It is impossible to just get rid of our bodies when the culture changes. But somehow that’s how we seem to treat them. We sculpt our bodies according to whatever aesthetic is popular at the moment, and then we are surprised when the aesthetic changes. There is nothing inherently wrong with wanting to lose weight, gain muscle, change your appearance or pursue a cosmetic procedure. People have always made decisions about their bodies, and they should have the freedom to make informed decisions about themselves.

But, what concerns me is what happens when a body change becomes tied to a person's sense of worth. When losing weight isn't simply something you want to do, but something you believe you must do before you can feel attractive, confident, worthy or comfortable being seen, the issue becomes much bigger than weight.

The Problem With Always Being a Work in Progress

One of the most difficult things about body dissatisfaction is that it can turn the body into a constant renovation project. There is always something to work on. The stomach could be flatter. The arms could be more toned. The thighs could be smaller. The butt could be bigger. The skin could be smoother. The face could look younger. Social media makes this particularly difficult because we are constantly exposed to curated images of other people's bodies. We don't simply look at ourselves anymore. We inspect ourselves. We find the angle we don't like, the features we would change, the place where we think we fall short. Over time, that kind of scrutiny can become so automatic that we stop experiencing our bodies as something we live in and start experiencing them as something we manage. I think there is an important distinction between caring for your body and being preoccupied with fixing it.

Caring for yourself might mean exercising because you enjoy feeling strong. It might mean making changes to your eating habits, taking medication under medical guidance, getting enough sleep or choosing a cosmetic procedure that you have thoughtfully considered. Fixing yourself is different. Fixing yourself implies that something is fundamentally wrong with you and that you will finally be okay once the problem is corrected. That distinction is worth noting.

Learning to Be in Your Body

I sometimes encourage people, even myself, to spend some time simply looking at themselves. Stand naked in front of a mirror. For someone who has spent years avoiding mirrors or using them only to search for flaws, this can be surprisingly uncomfortable. The goal isn't to stare at yourself and force yourself to say that you are beautiful. That can feel just as disconnected from reality as criticizing yourself.

Instead, practice seeing yourself without immediately evaluating yourself. Notice the discomfort. Notice the impulse to suck in your stomach or turn to the side. Notice how quickly your mind identifies what it would like to change. Then practice allowing your body to simply exist. It has changed. It will continue to change. It doesn't look the same at twenty as it does at forty, and it won't look the same at sixty. It has carried me through experiences, stress, illness, pregnancy, exercise, aging, grief, joy and ordinary life. Some days you may love what you see. Other days you may feel uncomfortable. The goal is to develop enough acceptance that neither feeling determines how you live your life because the truth is the ideal will change again. It always does. The body considered to be “in” in one decade can become “out” in the next. Beauty standards are cultural, and culture is constantly moving. Your body will change with age. It will change with life. It may change because you deliberately choose to change it. Some changes will be within your control and others won't. The body we're supposed to want keeps changing. You don't have to keep changing with it.

~ Chanel