V-day, you say?
Written by: Staff Therapist Chanel Durham
To no surprise, Valentine’s Day is the inspiration for today’s blog. I mean, how could it not be from the million romantic gestures I’ve seen on instagram, the small little heart decorations displayed everywhere I go, and the endless Galentine’s inspo on all social media platforms. It’s a single day that can bring so much joy for some. It includes flowers, connection, intentional time, but for others, it can stir up loneliness, pressure, comparison, or even grief. It’s fascinating how one day can carry so much emotional weight.
But at its core, Valentine’s Day highlights one thing: love. And that makes me pause and ask, what does love look like to me right now? Is it romance? Is it sacrifice? Is it loyalty? Is it passion? Is it endurance?
Most of us don’t realize that long before we experienced romantic love, we were already forming beliefs about what love meant. We learned about love through our parents/caregivers, our communities, our religious backgrounds, our culture, and even through what was missing. Some of us learned that love is safe and steady. Some of us learned that love is earned. Some of us learned that love comes with sacrifice. Some of us learned that love hurts, but you stay anyway. And I can bet my last that many of us are still loving from those early lessons.
Oftentimes these early lessons of love require us to relearn it at some point of our life.That can feel unsettling because redefining love means questioning what once felt normal. It means looking at all of our relationships (romantic, familial, even friendships) and asking, Was that love? Was that settling? Or Was that survival?
Many of us were taught versions of love that went hand in hand with fear, performance, or self abandonment. Maybe love meant keeping the peace at all costs. Maybe it meant earning approval. Maybe it meant staying loyal even when we were being hurt. And unlearning those patterns can make you feel you’re lost at sea, especially if those patterns once protected us.
Healing requires us to move “this feels familiar” to “this feels healthy.” Sometimes healthy love feels uncomfortable at first because it is simply unfamiliar. If you grew up equating love with chaos, calm may feel suspicious. If you equated love with over-giving, reciprocity may feel unnatural.
Redefining love means giving yourself permission to:
Choose peace over passion-fueled chaos
Set boundaries without guilt
Expect consistency
Leave relationships that require you to shrink
When Bell Hooks writes, “Love is what love does,” she reminds us that love is more than words or grand gestures. It’s not what someone promises, it’s what they consistently show. Does it create safety? Does it respect your boundaries? Does it take accountability? Does it allow you to be yourself (fully)?
Redefining love isn’t about blaming the past. It’s about awareness. It’s about recognizing what felt familiar and deciding whether it was actually healthy. Valentine’s Day will pass. The flowers will die, and hopefully the posts will have an end. But the question remains: what does love look like for you right now? If the love you know makes you shrink, exhaust yourself, or constantly prove your worth, you are allowed to choose differently. Love shouldn’t feel like survival; it should feel like home.
~ Chanel