Relaxing Amidst a High Conflict Coparenting Relationship

Written by: Staff Therapist Morgan McDaniel, LPC

“How to CoParent?”Is one of googles most popular search items… and for good reason. CoParenting is a delicate dance of respect, effective communication, and the tiresome work of supporting shared-yet-differing goals. Perhaps you and your ex have separated and are still navigating parenting time. Holidays that were once split evenly can suddenly become a battleground and even deciding which address to use for school enrollment can ignite a full-blown argument. In worst case scenarios, these disputes can land you both in court. While the thought of this lasting forever is daunting, many of these simple issues do resolve within normal coparenting relationships over time. In high-conflict parenting situations, however, resolution often feels impossible and chaos seems inevitable. High conflict is difficult not only for you but also for your children. Simple decisions, like choosing which diapers are best spiraling into hours of drawn-out bickering can result in a delay in making the best decisions needed for your child’s care. Is it truly possible to find relaxation after such exhausting arguments? Yes, but it requires intention. Here are some strategies to help you find relaxation within a high conflict coparenting relationship.

1. Don’t take things personally.

This is far easier said than done. See your co-parent for who they are now: a teammate in raising your child. You may no longer be together, but you are both on the same side. Whatever you say and do to one another either helps or hurts that team dynamic. If a hurtful word is spoken, acknowledge its impact, communicate clearly, and work toward reconciliation. If you notice your co-parent treats others the same way, recognize that it is likely their character, not a reflection of you. Once you have done your best to remedy a situation, own that effort, refocus, and resist internalizing their projections.

2. Focus on being the best parent you can be with your time.

Wasting hours arguing via text to prove your point wastes not only your time but also the precious time you have with your child. If your co-parent criticizes you or tries to bait you into conflict, disengage. Use your parenting time intentionally and stay present in the moment. Enjoy every second as time is irreplaceable, and you can never get it back.

3. Follow the parenting plan (whether court-ordered or mutually agreed upon) and stick to your boundaries.

For example, if your co-parent is running late and asks you to pick up the child at their house instead of the designated location, it might seem easier to oblige. However, doing so could set a precedent that tardiness is acceptable and deviations from the plan are to be expected. If you are uncomfortable with a change, you have every right to say no. Consistency regulates expectations and reduces anxiety for everyone, particularly your child. Document every deviation from the plan and keep a record of when the agreed-upon schedule is not followed.

4. Pour into yourself on your off days.

This is a given, but it must be repeated. Go out with friends, take yourself on a date, catch up on that TV show, or enjoy a long bath. Rediscover your hobbies and interests. You are still a parent and while nothing can change that, you are also an individual outside of that role. Allow the other parent to enjoy their time with your child(ren), just as they allow you to enjoy your time.

5. Rehearse and practice the messages you want to communicate.

Practice makes perfect. In practicing what we want to say, we can feel comfortable vocalizing our wants and needs without anxieties and nervousness controlling the situation. Know what your goals for the conversation and what you hope to get out of the conversation. Concise communication is essential. Overexplaining requests and using verbose language serve as a catalyst for conflict as words can be picked apart and misinterpreted. Being firm and being in tune with our needs makes it easier to vocalize in stressful situations, which can then put our minds at ease for what is to come.

6. Be yourself even if that means taking the high road every time.

It can be incredibly tempting to retaliate when your co-parent is unfair or tries to push your buttons, but if pettiness and "tit for tat" aren't in your nature, don't start now. Holding onto your integrity provides a stable, unshakeable foundation that speaks volumes. Document inappropriate behavior or violations of the plan, and let the truth and your consistent character speak for themselves. There is a lot of comfort in peace in knowing who you are.

7. Find support from friends, family, and your community.

Spend quality time with loved ones, vent to trusted confidants, or join groups that empower you to find your voice. Consider therapy, communication workshops, or even inviting your co-parent to joint therapy sessions. Speak with elders who have navigated the nuances of parenthood and ask for advice from those who are where you want to be in your co-parenting journey. Finding comfort and solace in community can provide a familiar relaxation and profound assurance that you aren’t alone.

Finding relaxation in a high-conflict co-parenting relationship takes discipline and hard work; it doesn't come naturally to most. Over time, however, it will feel less like a chore. By removing your personal emotions from the chaos and viewing the situation logically, you can make the best decisions for your child. Community support lightens your burden, and knowing your own boundaries empowers you to stand firmly. Every step you take toward this mindset makes a genuine difference and brings you one step closer to finding relaxation and peace in the chaos.

If you are struggling in a high-conflict coparenting relationship and aren't sure how to find relief, please reach out. I would love for you to schedule a consultation so I can help you get back on track and focus on what matters most: you and your child. 

~ Morgan