Conditional Pride: The Cost of Never Feeling Enough

Written by: Staff Therapist Amerah Muhammad, MHC-LP

I’m sure you’ve heard of unconditional and conditional love, but conditional pride rarely receives the same attention. Conditional pride occurs when approval and praise are granted only when we meet subjective expectations. In a society that glorifies success primarily in relation to material gain, it’s important to understand how deeply we and those around us, may be quietly limiting our sense of achievement and self-worth. 

Social media can sometimes make us feel worse about ourselves and where we are on our personal journeys. On platforms like Facebook and Instagram, individuals mainly post the “highlights” of their lives and seldom the hardships. When we’re exposed to lifestyles that appear perfectly curated, with imperfections hidden behind edits and filters, it can be hard not to feel inferior. It then becomes easier to pick apart pieces of ourselves until the beauty of our whole being becomes polluted fragmented parts. 

Many clients, as well as people from my close circle, have shared feelings of dissatisfaction, shame, and anxiety after achieving a goal. At Sow and Seed, it’s important for us to have a thorough understanding of our clients' roots. The ways our caregivers interact with us can have a profound influence on our self-esteem and behaviors. Whether you were made the “golden child” or the “black sheep” of the family, both roles are often maintained by superficial perception that can leave a person feeling like they’re never enough.

 Many of us can relate to that gut-wrenching feeling of being compared to our siblings, cousins, and extended family, whether through direct commentary or overheard phone calls. Our caretakers, the people we look up to by nature, can unintentionally make us feel less than. Unfortunately, the shackles of capitalism have had negative effects on Baby Boomers, Gen X, Millennials, and Gen Z alike. For many of us, success within the household was shaped by good grades, a good salary, and a “good” long standing heterosexual partnership, despite the turmoil and pain those expectations may have caused.

Mental health advocacy in your homes may not have been the norm. In fact, emotional hardship may have been interpreted as laziness or a lack of care. Overachieving is often praised, while the restless perfectionist underneath is quietly being crushed by the pressure of familial expectations. Over time, this kind of pressure doesn’t just live in the mind, it settles in the body as tension, restlessness, or chronic self-doubt. Confidence and pride in ourselves can dim due to the persistent lack of holistic acceptance described above. Some populations that may be especially impacted by conditional pride include neurodivergent individuals, over-achievers, people experiencing imposter-syndrome, and recent graduates (especially people of color at PWI’s). These experiences can all contribute to performance based and perfection driven anxieties. 

Conditional Phrases To Look Out For

“If I didn’t care, I wouldn’t be this hard on you.”

“You're only as good as your last success. ”

“You did so good, what’s next?”

“Never let them see you slip.”

“I expect more from you.”

“No pain no gain” 

Calling Back Your Power: Value-Based Living 

One way we can realign with ourselves is by living life from our own values. To be clear, this is different from holding yourself to rigid expectations. Trying to meet a specific goal like “text people back faster” can feel pressurizing. Reframed into a value, this can instead become being more present with your loved ones. Rather than setting a goal like “going on vacation,” you might value integrating exploration and self-care into your daily rhythm. Creating values for yourself leaves room for growth in the areas that are meaningful to you without tying your worth to a quantifiable outcome. From the empowerment of your own affirmations, you can begin to feel more liberated and expansive inside. My hope is that this practice encourages pride in your being, not just ur doing.

You can book a free consultation call with me here to begin taking steps toward feeling unconditionally prideful and fulfilled— for simply existing, for trying your best, and most importantly, for honoring the moments when you don’t have the capacity to try at all.

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